Gay and Kathlyn Hendricks describe the upper limit problem in relationships in their book Conscious Loving. What it refers to is that we each have an inner thermostat that is our comfort zone. Whenever we move beyond that inner setting, we experience discomfort and often unconsciously do something to get more comfortable.

When things feel too good we get scared and do something to bring ourselves back into our comfort zone.

Angus and I had a recent experience of reaching an upper limit in our relationship. Angus told me afterward that in the morning he had the thought, “Rohini and I are getting along so well in our relationship and it has been for such a long time.” Then he had the thought, “I shouldn't think that because whenever I have that thought things go wrong.”

He was hitting his upper limit. We had passed the threshold of harmony that he was used to in our relationship surpassing his inner thermostat setting for relationship bliss.

Sure enough that evening when we were on our hike we ended up having a tiff around generic things that couples tend to fight about like kids, chores, sex, and money. We hit on three of the four topics.

Looking back on the experience Angus’s anxiety spilled over in frustration and my anxiety spilled over in criticism. So rather than enjoying our idyllic evening hike in harmony and experiencing the gratitude and connection we normally do it was an experience of hurt and anger.

We hit our upper limit. We lost our streak!

I can’t even remember the last time we had a fight. It is at least over a year and maybe longer. To put things in context this is wonderful for us. We used to have a high conflict relationship where we would fight every month and the fight would last for two weeks or so.

So for us this is bliss.

Reflecting on this blip in our currently normally harmonious relationship, I can see the value in being open to experiencing more love and harmony. I’m ready for another thermostat reset.

This doesn’t mean that I need to actively try working on creating that. Knowing it is possible to create a new normal where I feel safe opening my heart even more is all that is needed.

The direction for me to look in for this new normal isn’t our relationship or Angus. What will be most in service to opening my heart more fully is to look in the direction of my true nature. I am open to experiencing a deeper level of intimacy and knowing of who I am beyond my thoughts and feelings. That is what will help me to experience less fear in my life. It is the reset for my conditioning and the dissolver of my limiting beliefs.

It is simple.

There aren't ten steps. There is one direction to look in.

That direction lies within each one of us. We are all capable of having a deeper understanding of who we are and experiencing the fruits of that knowing in our day-to-day lives.

Open to the love that lies within your own heart.

Allow yourself to receive what your wisdom has to offer you.

Let yourself feel into it experientially.

You will not only experience a new thermostat setting for your relationships, but you will also experience a reset that impacts every area of your life and is infinite. It will keep on unfolding.

The answers lie within.

The way forward starts by looking inward.

The healing begins with you.

If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in a serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilders Community.

Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate  private couple's intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.