Do you ever feel like you need your partner to be in a better mood?

Are you bothered by your partner’s low moods?

We probably have all felt that way at some point.

It makes sense that if our partner were in a better mood, we would feel better. 

This isn’t a problem when we feel that way occasionally, but I used to feel like that quite frequently. If only Angus were different I would be happier. If only he would change my life would be better. This was not healthy. It had me living in a victim mindset.

I would blame Angus for my feeling bad because he was in a low mood. I would try and make myself feel better by trying to shift his state of mind, but I would do it in a judgmental or critical way.

This was a blind spot for me. I wasn’t meaning to be selfish. I was doing the best I could to take care of myself. At the time it looked like his mood was causing me to suffer so I was doing my best to fix my suffering.

Of course, this usually resulted in a fight because Angus didn’t appreciate my judgment, criticism, and lack of empathy. And I would feel justified in my attempts to change him and even feel hurt by his reaction.

This is a classic example of the quote, “When you point a finger at someone else, there are three pointing back at you.”

The three fingers pointing back at me were pointing to my own state of mind and emotional fragility. My experience wasn’t coming from Angus and his low mood. It was coming from all of the unsettled thinking that I was identifying with.

I was suffering under the weight of my conditioning. 

My mind would flash the warning signal and I would think, “Danger, danger, someone is angry. I’m not safe. What can I do to make myself feel safe? Oh, I can stop the threat by making him not angry. I need him not to be angry so I can feel safe.”

Because of my sensitivity, I could experience even slight irritability as anger and I would feel unsafe. Not because I was actually unsafe, but because my nervous system didn’t know the difference between reality and what my thoughts were telling it. 

Often my reactions to slight irritability would result in full-blown anger between the two of us. The very thing I was trying to avoid was something I would contribute to.

I can’t say I am never guilty of judging Angus’s low moods, but I have got much better at leaving him alone at those times and taking care of myself. 

The fundamental premise that makes this much easier is understanding that 100% of the time my experience is created from within. It is the reflection of the thinking I am consciously or unconsciously identifying with. This thinking communicates with my nervous system, and I experience the corresponding emotions. My emotions are my thoughts brought to life. I am not ever feeling Angus’s mood. I am feeling my thinking.

When I remember this it simplifies everything because if I am experiencing emotional disturbance it places the power in my hands. I can take care of myself. I can relate to myself in kind and supportive ways that allow me to ride out my emotional experience and support my nervous system with settling.  

As soon as I am in a more stable internal state of mind I will feel my natural state of peace and well-being. And I will be able to see things more clearly. Rather than seeing Angus through the distorted lens of my conditioning, I will be able to have perspective and see he is just experiencing a low mood. It isn’t a big deal. My safety isn’t really under threat. He will bounce back. I can just get on with my life, and if it seems helpful there may be some kindness and compassion I can share with Angus while he is having a hard time.

For many, this will seem like common sense and a no-brainer. It looks that way to me now, but when I didn’t understand where my experience was coming from and didn’t realize how much distorted thinking I had about Angus’s low moods it wasn’t so clear.

And even knowing this now I am still not always as compassionate as I would like to be when he gets irritable. The conditioning can creep in silently and quickly, but I am on the learning curve and it is getting easier and easier to remember to look in the direction of the three fingers pointing at myself which is really the kindest direction to look in.

But what if Angus was causing me physical harm isn’t he responsible for my experience then? 

He would be responsible for his actions and the consequences of his actions, but my emotional experience would still be coming from inside of me.

I learned this lesson firsthand when I was working with someone who was extremely emotionally dysregulated and feeling great distress. In their upset, they slapped me across the face. I, of course, felt the pain of the slap, but I didn’t feel any emotional pain. I felt compassion for them and also had incredible clarity. I was able to call security to ask for assistance and do my best to help calm them down in the meantime.

Now if Angus slapped me across the face, I would probably have a different emotional experience, but that would be coming from the meaning I was giving the situation, not from him.

Of course, I am not condoning slapping or physical violence of any kind. I am pointing to the empowerment of recognizing where emotional experience comes from all of the time. And what I have witnessed in abusive relationships is when this is seen and experienced, the empowerment and connection with inner wisdom often give people the strength to leave a relationship or they change how they participate in the dynamics of the relationship so the abuse stops. 

No matter what the state of your relationship, when you are feeling disgruntled or destabilized it will always be supportive to look toward your own state of mind first so you can take care of yourself effectively and then look to what is needed with your partner.

If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilders Community.

Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate  private couple's intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.