Be careful what you write about.

As some of you noticed my post last Monday had more than usual typos. I was feeling tired so I didn’t give it the extra once over I usually do. I am very grateful for the support of a reader who helped me clean it up.

Even though I was tired, I didn’t think anything was wrong until I woke up at 3 am with excruciating pain in my left arm and chest.

I have been writing a lot recently about fear and the capacity we have to be loving with ourselves when fear is present. Here I was getting a first-hand opportunity.

I was wearing a continuous glucose monitor on my left arm to help with lifestyle changes to support healthy blood sugar. I wondered if that was causing the problem so I pried it off my arm in the dark doing my best not to rip off my skin with the adhesive. Then I turned on a boring podcast I thought would help me get back to sleep, but the pain kept getting worse. It was increasing in my chest with every inhale.

I realized I was going to have to wake Angus up and have him take me to the E.R. This sounds dramatic now because I’m fine, but at the time when I didn’t know what was happening or if I was going to be okay, I really wanted to make sure Angus knew how much I loved him. Facing mortality made me acutely aware of my gratitude for life and everyone and everything in it. My heart felt wide open.

Angus got me to the hospital. He registered me on a self-check-in computer and was given the wrong instructions on how to do so. So when I was whisked into the triage room, I was promptly whisked back out again until the check-in was done properly. Because Angus was rushing, things went wrong again. Even with my pain, I found myself chuckling inwardly as the nurse had to come out to help him.

I was triaged and then hooked up to an EKG machine. I got a student nurse who didn’t listen to me when I told her the best vein to use for the blood draw. I have small veins, but there is a good one just under the surface. So now in addition to the pain in my shoulder and chest, I have a nurse pressing my arm trying to squeeze out drops of blood to fill numerous vials.

What I noticed is that my fear subsided when I was in the present moment independent of my pain level. The pain would increase on the inhale and decrease on the exhale so I had to take shallow breaths. This probably wasn't ideal for my anxiety, but it was all I could do. But, when I wasn’t focused on my anxious thoughts my anxiety decreased.

The room was freezing and filled with the sickly hue of fluorescent lighting. I was lying there with my shirt lifted up to my neck. I hadn’t bothered to put on a bra so I was feeling pretty self-conscious. Luckily the nurse brought me what she called two warm blankets. They were really just sheets, but they helped my modesty and gave me some warmth. My right arm had an I.V. My left arm had a blood pressure cuff. My torso was covered with sticky tabs with wires clipped to them for the EKG. Angus was sitting to my left on a hospital chair freezing as well.

The supervising nurse commented on all of the prime numbers in my birthdate. I was surprised by this, and she said, “Okay, okay, I’m on the spectrum. Let’s acknowledge the elephant in the room!”

Her humor lifted my spirits. When the student nurse asked me if I drank I said, “Not usually, but I did have a margarita tonight.”

The supervising nurse told me that was the problem. I didn’t drink enough.

With each kind interaction, I felt gratitude and could feel my fear subsided. This wasn’t something I was doing or purposefully cultivating. It happened naturally.

Eventually, I was given aspirin and two Tylenol. Within an hour my pain was significantly decreased. I thought I was going to get the all-clear at this point to go home, but unfortunately, my EKG was abnormal as well as another blood marker so I needed to get a CAT scan.

My anxiety started to rise again. I had the sweetest radiologist take me upstairs for the scan. He very patiently told me what was needed. And when I told him I felt anxious he told me not to worry. He said he would walk me through everything.

A CAT scan isn’t anything like an MRI. It is a donut-shaped machine, not a tube. So at least I didn’t need to do that, but I could feel a panic attack coming on. Being kind with myself I let him know I was feeling scared. He reassured me. We kept going. The panic never set it. It was new for me to be so open about my internal experience with a stranger. I wasn’t trying to tough it out and be strong. I was actually asking for help. This made it much easier. Duh! Can't believe that hasn't been my norm!

Making room for my fear, and holding myself in kindness, also helped me to let in the kindness of others.

After the CAT scan, I was finally deemed fit to go home. No heart attack. No embolism. Just an abnormal EKG. The doctor sent me on my way with a prescription for anti-inflammatories and an agreement from me to follow up with a cardiologist.

As soon as I was no longer in crisis, my ego started to get activated. I had things I was going to get done that day that weren't going to happen because I was exhausted and still sore, and I needed to fit in an unplanned doctor's appointment into my week.

I felt the fragility of my ego. I saw how my self-worth was attached to being healthy and not missing a beat.

It was humbling to recognize how I innocently pressure myself and how flimsy my remembering of who I am can be.

What a paradox to have experienced exquisite moments of gratitude and love, and then be gripped by petty attachments.

That is the ride of being human.

I got my serving of humble pie this week and am grateful for the reminder that each moment is precious.

Hope this helps you to remember as well. Hold yourself in love. All of you! Every last bit of you!

Let the love of who you are fill you up from the inside and stay open to receive all the love that is reflected back to you from the outside.

Tell the people you love that you love them. Make sure they know how much they mean to you. There is no time like the present.

If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in a serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilders Community.

Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In the first season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate  private couple's intensive retreat programs that rewild relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilders Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.