In long-term relationships, there is the familiar complaint that Angus and I hear that the relationship is safe and comfortable but sexual satisfaction is on the decline or absent. The relationship functions and life run smoothly but the spark is gone. It is commonly accepted that eroticism diminishes in relationships as the newness of the relationship wears off, and for couples in long-term relationships, there is often a feeling of hopelessness that the sexual spark will ever return.
The lack of desire in long-term relationships isn’t, however, the fault of the relationship or even the fault of the partner.
I have been there where I thought the spark and the passion in my marriage were unable to be revived. I believed I needed a new partner to achieve that. I came close to losing my marriage as a result of this, but am grateful that the love drew me back. Temporarily, the drama of nearly losing my marriage revived my desire, but that was not sustainable. I couldn’t keep leaving my husband and returning to him to keep our love life alive. With a love that strong and my wanting to be with him, I thought the only other choice was to sacrifice desire in our relationship.
As I write this I feel shame creep in. As sex-positive as I like to think myself to be, my conditioning wants me to hold back. What kind of woman am I that sex is such an important part of my relationship? It would be more fitting with my conditioning if I had needed to figure this out because of Angus. But no, I must honestly admit that sexual pleasure is important to me and I don’t want to have to change my relationship to experience that. I also am not called to participate in polyamory. I have no judgment on that as a relationship choice, but it would not be a good fit for my psychological makeup. I know my limitations.
Fortunately for me, my exploration of pleasure has improved with age and time. My ability to be with the experience of pleasure has expanded. Now instead of needing there to be the arousal stemming from newness in a relationship, arousal is cultivated from within and can be enjoyed with long-term love.
Based on my work, I know I am not alone in having to cross the bridge, or what can feel like a chasm, of going from sexually dead to sexually alive. But this area of life can be rewilded too. It is rewilded in the same way that every area of life is rewilded, by going back to source, your source, the primal energy within you, and experiencing your aliveness.
As I reconnected with my aliveness it did not start by expressing itself sexually. It began with me tuning in to my inner knowing and seeing where I was not honoring myself. I then began living my life more in alignment with what worked for me. I stopped believing in my insecure thinking that had me hold myself back and keep myself small. I found myself living more in the present moment instead of in my worries. As I opened more fully to the life force within me and let it guide me, I found myself connecting more with my creativity. This led to new possibilities and adventures.
My recipe for keeping eroticism alive in long-term relationships is to come alive within yourself first, to live more fully, to experience the newness of stepping out of your comfort zone, and to express yourself in ways that are fresh and unexpected. This leads to greater joy in all areas of life and supports greater psychological stability, emotional intimacy, and sexual satisfaction.
With respect to sexuality, because of the layers and layers of unhealthy conditioning many of us are exposed to, I also think we need more sex education. There is still a huge disparity in orgasms between men and women. There is much mystery that surrounds female anatomy and pleasure. Many women don’t even know about cervical and whole-body orgasms. There is still a stigma about self-pleasure. And many people don’t have the healthy expectation of sex getting better in long-term relationships. Instead, they believe that sexual satisfaction is destined to decline as relationships mature. The notion that sex is something for the youth to enjoy still prevails.
I am guilty of putting my sex education on the back burner. Previously, in my exploration of spirituality, I did not include the body. I looked to the formless and ignored my physicality. But I can no longer ignore the intersection of the two. The more I am rewilded by my true nature, the more I see the importance of being present to my embodiment. Everything is experienced through the body via the medium of thought -- including sex.
This means like everything else sex is a reflection of our own state of mind. The first priority, therefore, as with all areas that need to be rewilded is to respect the feelings of peace, wellbeing, and joy that reside within you. Value these qualities of your aliveness that are your natural state. Spend time feeling who you are and acquainting yourself with your natural state, and let the wisdom of this connection guide you. This may not lead to a linear path to more sexual satisfaction, but more aliveness, presence, and vitality are the prerequisites.
And it is okay for good sex to be a priority in life. Partnerships benefit from having a high level of erotic satisfaction that increases with time and as people age. And this starts with you. Satisfying sex is the natural by-product of a healthy relationship with oneself. Increasing erotic fulfillment and satisfaction doesn’t start with sex. It starts with one’s capacity to connect with Self, to be present, and to open to experiencing pleasure. This means letting go of conditioning and limiting beliefs that hold you back and keep you small. It is about opening to the aliveness of who you are and letting yourself be rewilded by your true nature so you come alive and enjoy all the benefits of that, good sex being one of them.
If you would like to listen to the Rewilding Love Podcast, it comes out in serial format. Start with Episode 1 for context. Click here to listen. And, if you would like to dive deeper into the understanding I share along with additional support please check out the Rewilding Community.
Rohini Ross is co-founder of “The Rewilders.” Listen to her podcast, with her partner Angus Ross, Rewilding Love. They believe too many good relationships fall apart because couples give up thinking their relationship problems can’t be solved. In this season of the Rewilding Love Podcast, Rohini and Angus help a couple on the brink of divorce due to conflict. Angus and Rohini also co-facilitate a private couples’ intensives retreat program that rewilds relationships back to their natural state of love. Rohini is also the author of the ebook Marriage, and she and Angus are co-founders of The 29-Day Rewilding Experience and The Rewilding Community. You can follow Rohini on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. To learn more about her work and subscribe to her blog visit: TheRewilders.org.